Monday, May 2, 2011

If You Give a Mommy a Glass of Wine...

If you give a mommy a glass of wine, she’s going to remember how much she misses date nights.

She will be inspired the next day, so when the baby goes down for a nap, she’ll dust off her makeup kit and get all dolled up.

Once she sees how pretty she looks with her face made up, she’ll break out her favorite little black dress.

When she puts on the dress, she’ll realize that it didn’t use to be quite *so* little. So she’ll decide it’s time to go on a diet.

She’ll sweep all the cookies and sweets out of the cabinet, but one box will clatter to the floor. The noise will wake the baby.

When she goes to get the baby, he won’t recognize her with all that makeup on and will start screaming.

She will frantically try to nurse him to prove she’s his mommy. He will decide he doesn’t really care who she is, as long as she’s offering a snack.

While he is nursing from one side, the other side will start to leak. Now her little black dress is a mess. She will dig out a pair of yoga pants, and realize they didn’t have a babysitter and that a teething baby doesn’t make a good third wheel.

So she will decide to get take out.

As she goes into the kitchen to find the menus for their favorite restaurants, she’ll wonder why there are cookies all over the cabinet. She will eat a handful while she browses the menus.

Upon seeing the menus, she will reminisce about their last date night, and will settle on sushi.

She will change the baby’s diaper, and will realize that she needs to do a load of laundry. She will set the baby down and gather up the dirty clothes. She will want to wash the nursing bra she is wearing. All the other nursing bras will be dirty, so she will grimace and put on a regular bra. She will assume that since the baby just ate, he will not want to nurse again so soon and the bra will be fine.

The baby will decide he wants to nurse.

Once the baby is fed, and the laundry is started, she will load up the car and begin to drive into town for sushi takeout. Before she leaves the neighborhood, the baby will be crying hysterically. She’ll decide that fancy sushi is overrated, and grocery store sushi will suffice.

When she gets to the grocery store, she will remember that the cats need litter.

When she gets to the pet aisle, she will be reminded that the garbage can needs bags, the bathroom needs toilet paper, the husband needs shaving cream, and the baby needs a new teething ring.

After she throws all of those things in her cart, she will decide she might as well buy food for the next week.

As she goes to stand in line, the baby will dirty his diaper horrendously. She will realize she doesn’t have a single diaper in her giant diaper bag.

She will run back to the baby aisle to add a small pack of diapers to her cart. The line will have tripled in size when she returns.

The baby will start screaming.

Baby butt cleaned and groceries in the trunk, she will head home. Traffic will snarl, and a pickup will honk aggressively.

She will want to rear end said pickup.

When she finally arrives home, she will juggle the baby and the groceries, uncertain whether her head or the baby is screaming louder.

She will realize she forgot the sushi.

She will sit on the floor and cry, and her heavily made up eyes will stream rivers of mascara.

The baby will think this is funny and will head butt her and jam a finger up her nose.

Her husband will stare at her and ask why she bothered, since they have perfectly good leftovers in the fridge, and the sushi probably isn’t on her diet anyway.

She will want a plate served right there on the floor.

And then, because he is a good husband, he will ask if she would like….

a glass of wine.


  1. This is great! A day in the life of a mom.......I can relate!

  2. Oh my goodness Sarah, this is fantastic! I LOVE IT! Hilarious- great writing!!!

  3. Too cute and relateable! I'm super impressed! And now all I can do is wonder if we have any wine...and if it would be worth it! Hope you have a wonderful day! ~Michelle

  4. Very very creative!!! And accurate too!!! I was laughing from top to bottom.

  5. So funny!!! I loved it. Read it to my husband with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

  6. I think you nailed it on the head! Great writing!